I recently took the Level 1 Logosynthesis in Halifax, NS and had a profound experience that I wanted to share. First, it is necessary to provide some background information about myself. I am a survivor of seven years of childhood sexual abuse at the hands of my stepfather. For the past three years, I have been going through the healing process, mainly through using my spiritual practices of Buddhist meditation, Ashtanga yoga, and Qi Gong, and my committed, loving relationship as vehicles for healing. As one might imagine, the abuse has affected my entire being in such a fundamental way. During the exercise where we were to list all of the introjects that triggered a particular emotional response, I realized I had a list a mile long, from every category and type of introject. In terms of dissociated parts of my essence, I felt like Swiss cheese, my dissociated parts riddling holes throughout my entire being. Although I have worked through many layers of the onion of my suffering, in that moment, I was acutely aware of how much of my energy was still bound up in the incest.
As we were instructed to not work with our most traumatic experience during the workshop, I decided that I would work with the sexual abuse after the workshop was over. I had decided to do logosysthesis in the bathtub, as water is a conductor, amplifying the effects of any energy work. I was aware that this was a big chunk of trauma that I was about to work through, but I had an intuitive sense that I could contain the energy releases and would know when to stop. As I sat in the tub, I realized I had some hesitation.
“Am I really ready to do this?” I asked myself. “Maybe I should wait. Wait for what?” I thought. I have carried this far too long. It was time to let it go. I wanted to see who this person was behind all the trauma and fear. And so I took a deep breath and started to speak.
I started with the felt sense of the rape that occurred when I was 15 years old. I described my experience as thoroughly as I could – that tight, nauseous, fearful feeling in my chest and throat and used the retrieve statement. It is difficult for me to describe all that had happened, as I spoke for an hour, but with each sentence, I felt huge energy shifts, experiences similar to my experiences with acupuncture or deep meditation. I allowed my body to move as it needed; sometimes folding forward; other times, lying still.
Using my intuition, I alternated the retrieve and remove statements, moving from felt sense to felt sense. When I was angry, I would yell the statements with vigor and rage. Sometimes I would start speaking too soon, as the effects of the last statement were still in process and so I waited, allowing the energy to settle, so I could get more a accurate handle on the felt sense. The felt sense shifted from my chest to my throat to my pelvis. At one point, after working with dissociated aspects of my throat, I felt my teeth tingle and ache. If there was no concrete felt sense, I sometimes heard a voice whispering in my ear,” Work with the tightness in your pelvis,” and so I worked with that dissociated part..
I continued to check for imprints in my personal space to see where I was at in the process. I realized there were three imprints of my stepfather, one of his entire body about three feet in front of me, one of his body, shattered as if pieces of glass floating all around my personal space and energy field, and a third image of his face in front of my third eye. So I used the statements with each of these images and their associated felt sense in my body.
The method proved very effective until I got to the image at my third eye. I kept asking myself when I see his face in front of mine, what do I feel and where. Fear, sadness, anger and rage came up, but I could not locate where in my body I felt these things. “Where do I feel fear, sadness, anger and rage?” I asked myself again. And then it dawned on me – in my heart. I worked through so many different felt senses at this point, but I had never specifically said my heart. After doing the retrieve/remove statements with my heart, I felt a significant energy shift, as if there was a whirlwind or tornado in my entire body. I noticed the image in front of my third eye shrink, but it did not disappear. I asked myself what I was missing and then I realized I had forgotten shame. I smiled – How could I forget such an awful emotion? I did the retrieve/remove statements with the shame in my heart and I noticed the image of my stepfather’s face shrink faster and faster. As he became smaller, I noticed an energy trail at the back of the image, as if he was being sucked away from me by a vacuum cleaner. I continued to watch him shrink for some time and decided it was time to stop. I wanted to allow time for the full effects of Logosynthesis to manifest, to see what was left of the onion of my suffering. I ended the session retrieving my energy from my stepfather and removing his energy from me.
I got out of the tub and drank lots of water. I had a bit of a headache and was aware that I was highly present. As I got dressed, I realized that I felt much like I did after a month long meditation retreat. My senses were heightened; everything seemed beautiful and luminous, emitting light. Sounds were louder; the sound of my own voice seemed deafening. When I looked in the mirror, I experienced the same sense of depersonalization that I felt after long periods of meditation. “Who is this person?” I thought. “Is that really me? How silly that identify with my body most of the time. “I” am so much more than my body.”
I came into the living room and sat down. I tried to read and write, but it felt like too much, I just wanted to sit and be. My entire body was tingling, there was still a lot of energy shifting and releasing. I ordered a pizza because cooking was out of the question.
When it arrived, I was struck by how beautiful it was – the brightness of the spinach, sun-dried tomatoes, and feta cheese. I ate slowly and mindfully, stopping frequently to admire the visual beauty of the pizza. Eating helped me feel more grounded and energized.
In my mind’s eye, I could still see the very small image of my stepfather being sucked away. I did Logosynthesis on the remaining image and he continued to shrink and finally disappear. I felt an immediate sense of calm and space, particularly in my chest. A few minutes later, I realized I was still thinking of the image, even though it was gone. I then did Logosynthesis on the memory of the image and felt even more spacious.
I then had the intuition that it was time to practice meditation. Currently, I am practicing Padmasambhava Guru Yoga, a Tibetan Buddhist practice that prepares the student for more advanced practices, purifying body, speech, and mind through the power of speech. So I went to my shrine and sat down. I slowly lit the candles and incense. And then, I started to chant. Never before have I said these words of power with such passion, devotion, and mindfulness. The energy of my voice built as I reached the main body of the text. The first section creates the visualization and then, verbal offerings are given, three stanzas of offerings. For the first time ever, I felt energy leaving my heart as I spoke the offerings. I realized the words themselves allowed my heart to open to the lineage, directly connecting me to them for the rest of the practice.
When I arrived at the section where I receive the four empowerments from the guru, purifying body, speech, and mind, I felt something very new. In the past, I had noticed the guru’s energy entering my body and dissolving the karmic seeds, creating a tightness/choking sensation in my throat, nausea, sometimes tears, all of which sometimes made it difficult to speak. The above would eventually let go and I would continue with the practice. This time, however, as I said these words, I felt the guru’s energy enter my body and energizing it, as if I finally had space to contain it, rather than using the guru’s energy to create space. After that section, I noticed an increase in my body temperature. My feet became really hot, I felt the heat travel up my body and I started to perspire. I continued to chant with great intensity. After completing the practice, I sat in silence, in awe of what just happened. My entire body was vibrating, I felt like I could fly, or at least float. The practice itself was titled “A Downpour of Blessings” and now I finally understand why.
I blew out the candles and returned to the living room, only to consume more water and have a short nap. Later in the evening, as my boyfriend and I cuddled in bed, I told him of my experience. I was curious how this profound letting go had affected my capacity for love and intimacy. I encouraged him to touch and kiss me in ways that had previously been forbidden. Although I experienced the same intense sensations, the emotional, energetic charge was no longer there. In the past, mixing love and sex felt overwhelming and dangerous, as if I could not hold both sexual desire and love at the same time. This time, however, during sexual intercourse, I could look up at my partner with love and openness, instead of fear and anger. In that moment, I realized that before, I literally did not have enough room for him in my heart. I had no awareness of how much of my heart had been unavailable to me. In my mind’s eye, I saw my heart, black and frozen in the periphery, red and vibrant in the center. It seemed that my essence simply retreated to the center, abandoning the edges to protect my innermost core. My heart had been two sizes too small, just The Grinch. Now, my heart had opened, growing in size and space. I held his face in my hands and smiled with love and appreciation. I felt whole again.
It has been two weeks since the workshop and I have noticed other significant changes. During yoga, I am less fearful and avoidant. Poses that used to be a trigger, I can now move into with ease and strength. I exert myself more, no longer afraid of connecting with all of those dissociated parts. With my clients, I am more relaxed, effective, and present. I have more space to hold their emotional experience and feel less overwhelmed by counter transference.
Logosynthesis peeled away many of the layers of the onion of my suffering, but I realize that there are still some left. Because so much space has been created, layers that were deeper, subtler in the past, have come to the forefront, more raw and intense than before. I continue to do Logosynthesis almost daily, peeling off every onion layer I experience. I sometimes move too quickly, experiencing significant fatigue on days in which I am working and have other responsibilities. However, once the effects of Logosynthesis have settled, I feel more joyful, motivated, creative, and alive than ever before. I want to express my gratitude for Logosynthesis and all the people involved making it available to others. Reclaiming my energy from the traumas of the past has not only helped me heal, but my clients as well. Thank you for this precious gift that can heal mankind.
added 2008.03.22